Attempted Murder and Murder

You guys, up front, I should fess up — I am not a lawyer. Like at all. I’m not even kind of a lawyer. I don’t think I’ve even employed a lawyer. That being said, I feel completely qualified to take issue with semantic distinctions in the legal justice system. I’ve seen a ton of Law & Order, I’ve earned my right to speak my piece on legal matters.

You know Attempted Murder? Are you familiar with the concept of Attempted Murder? You can be found, by a jury of your peers, to be guilty of Attempting but not Successfully to Murder Someone. You go to jail for Attempted Murder, but — and this is important —  not for as long as you would have if you had just murdered someone.


The attempted murderer and the actual murderer are the same in one key way. They both went, in their heads, “oh man I’m gonna actually kill someone.” That’s the major thing. The main thing about putting murderers in jail is to keep them away from us so they don’t murder us. We don’t want anyone who might be thinking “oh, man, I’m gonna seriously, 100%-kill this person” behind you in line at Panera Bread or whatever. If anything attempted murderers are more likely to think and act on that, because they’ve already had a practice run. It doesn’t make any difference if they stuck the landing.

I am way more scared of attempted murders than I am of successful murders. In fact, if I had to hire someone for a job, and I only had two candidates. Candidate one has been convicted of murder. Candidate two has been convicted of attempted murder. NO CONTEST I WOULD HIRE THE SUCCESSFUL MURDERER. Say what you want about candidate one, neck-tattoo Dan. He may have blood on his hands, but at least he’s goal-oriented.



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